Real men don't cry

Real men don't cry.  Fact. End of story.  No need to elaborate.  Or do we?  On the heels of the worst possible day ever I am sitting here wondering why that phrase even came about.  What tough guy said that so long ago?  And why has it persevered?

I am not afraid to tell you that today was hard.  But only marginally for me.  My wife is stronger than anyone I know, hands down.  See she has literally just lost her mother.  Who was in fact her best friend, secret keeper, advice giver and super human strength giver.  I have that too, but I don't call that person mom, I call that person my wife.  I guess this is more of a rant and a get your feelings out in an anonymous way more than anything else, so here goes.

Most of you know, my father passed away when I was 7 years old.  If it seems like eons ago to read it, you should be me telling it.  I think about it, and looking at it I see an unwinding path spread out behind me.  One of first pitches, first kisses, losing my faith, gaining it back again.  Even finding the woman who made me love more completely than I thought I could.  Then it dawns on me.  All those firsts, and I never had a dad to share any of it.  Sad?  Naw, I am used to it.  I have accepted it.  He wasn't there for the birth of my children, he wasn't there to see me get married.  Hell I am the one who walked my sister down the aisle for her wedding.  Every plod forward, and every slippery misstep, I have had one less person to see or share it.  I always kind of carried a chip on my shoulder about it.  Until today.

I saw something today for really the first time in my life.  I saw a woman whom I love dearly lose everything that I never had.  And you know something?  It broke my heart.  I always looked at people who were sad at losing a loved one later in life like they were being selfish.  After all they had so much  more time with that person than I had with my loved one.  But today I saw what it really is.  Loss.  And for all the thoughts we have, all the justifications, it comes down to that word.  Loss.  I watched my wife talk to me about everything from the mundane to the fantastic, almost magical memories of her mother.  And they all hurt her.  Which in turn hurt me.  Yeah I am a tough guy, or maybe not so much.

What could be worse than that?  How about telling your children about that loss.  It is something everyone who has children will inevitably will do.  A horrible fraternity that no one wants to be a part of, yet sadly we all become members.  I watched my daughter who is a year younger than I was when this happened to me find out about her Grammie.  How powerless I felt, I can't describe.  To hear her cries and know that she is justified in feeling what she felt.  To not know how to stop her hurt.  Then to see my wife and son, in the same basic state, and not be able to help them from hurting.  So much of it I couldn't stop.  So much I just couldn't fix.  You're God Damned right I broke down and cried.  My hurt was theirs.  I am still unable to fix it.  All I can do is try to talk them through it.  But I know that is futile and not working.

So tell me again that real men don't cry.  Go ahead.  I think they do.  But I don't think real men cry when they themselves hurt.  I think they cry when their loved ones hurt.  When they can't help, or fix the broken feelings others they care about have.  I love my family.  I love my mother in law.  And I am hurting, but not for me, not for my sadness about what happened to her.  No I am hurting more for my wife and children, and my father in law.  They are why I hurt.  But they are also why I walk away and cry by myself.  They will not see me break.  They can't.  I won't let them.  Be strong, stay strong, it is ok to cry, just do it by yourself.  Cause others need you to be the rock that you are.  Others are going to look to you in times like this to be that steadfast strength.  Don't falter, you never know who is looking to you for strength.  It might even be me.